Recently I’ve been struggling with the notion of marriage. The pressure is heavily upon me and I need to know how to approach my situation. After several talks with friends, family and people that surround me, I’ve noticed two resounding themes to approach marriage, the passive way and the aggressive way.
The aggressive approach to marriage:
People who believe this concept, men and women alike, believe that men won’t get married unless they are pressured into doing so. They say that men are laissez-faire and if allowed they’d stay dating forever. Some even go to the extent of saying that men are capable of taking advantage of women by dating them for many years (of course while getting what they want-sex), leave and find a younger girl to marry. Given this perception about men, people who believe this say that women shouldn’t allow men to “waste their time.” Instead, women should propose the idea of marriage early in the relationship and give a man an ultimatum: marry me or it’s over.
Pros: It identifies early on the goals and needs of the relationship. Both parties are well aware and confident about who they are and what they want in the relationship. Women who adapt this approach are confident in knowing that if this man doesn’t marry them, another one will. Many men are attracted to the confidence a woman exudes and therefore fear that they may be losing something great if they chose the wrong ultimatum.
Cons: Pressure is only negative for people who are not prepared. For a man or a woman who is not sure what they want from life or the relationship, this option does not work.
The passive approach to marriage:
Women who take this approach believe that they should not pressure a man to get married because a man will propose marriage when he wants to. Basically, these women give men full control of what happens in their relationship. So if he wants to date for 15 years before marriage, she is in. If he wants to get married within the year, she is in as well. These women believe men have the upper hand: If she wants to get married and he doesn’t, then she could leave because he would find him another one who is willing to do whatever, and the woman will eventually be sorry she left. Yes, sadly, there are women who feel this way about themselves.
Pros: No pressure in doing something you and your partner are not ready for. If you let the man decide, you will be sure that he will do it when he is ready and therefore should take full accountability. You won’t rush anything, it will “just happen.”
Cons: You may never get married or you may not get married when you want to get married. You are leaving the relationship in full control of the man. You would not know if the guy is wasting your time, taking advantage of you or just taking his time in the relationship. You are not taking the initiative with your life, instead you are at the mercy of “whatever happens” to you.
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